Somedays I Could Scream

It has been over 11 years since I met the man of my dreams and just over 6 years since my nephew (now son) came into my life. All of this has come with it's ups and downs. 

But lately I have found myself anxiety ridden as I have had to maintain standards in my home that I had been more lax on for quite awhile. After years of trying to get my autistic son ABA therapy, we have finally got the care he needs. And we are loving it. 

What I am not loving is the stress I feel if my house isn't up to the standards of the company. I have 5 kids. My life is messy. I am trying though, because I have been waiting for this moment for a long time. 

Since I have cleaned my house (with the help of my whole family and my sister), I have noticed my kids find more time to do things they love. Modeling is half the battle.

I may finally have time to clean my own room tomorrow with my husband while my son's therapist is here. The thought of a clean space to relax and work in is driving my motivation currently along with my need to keep this therapist. 

I am uptight, I have high expectations of my self and of my children. And sometimes...I just need to vent. 

I don't need every conversation to turn into an internal evaluation of myself. I tried to say what I was doing and why I was doing it and I must say I am just going to stop trying to talk about my fears and my pain to people who would rather try and fix me or tell me that I need to look internally, when all I needed to do was let something off my chest. Or being accused of treating my adopted son differently, when we have a much improved relationship. I am f*cking exhausted. And I don't feel that I can just let go and tell my story without feeling f*cking judged. I love my friend and holy f*ck, I am not stupid or uneducated or even really going through major problems right now. Besides being broke af.

So, I think going back to Journaling my thoughts without input from others sounds like less stress and less like pulling out my got damn hair!

On a happier note...I have felt sooo relaxed today. 

On a sh*tty note...my dryer stopped functioning correctly. 😞

I may not know everything, but I got this!

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